by Judy Guess | May 26, 2023 | generational trauma, relationships, resilience, Self-Reparenting, trauma
Self-Reparenting
I’ve had more than a couple clients roll their eyes at me at the very mention of the “inner-child”. I’ve even had a few head roll back, eyes closed, and deep sighs of annoyance even saying that “inner-child work” is a thing. So, let’s call this self-reparenting.
Self-reparenting is the work of being there for yourself. Being present while you work through childhood situations when you didn’t get what you needed. As a kid, you are completely dependent on the adults in your life for your needs. if you are now an adult, the vital needs were apparently met.
More than just the basics.
What most of this work is about is not so much the “food, clothing, shelter” needs, but rather the emotional needs that are often neglected. They may not be met because there was a tragic loss in your family and everyone was grieving around you. They may not be met because your mother had to work two jobs and your dad was no where to be seen. They may not be met because you had a couple narcissists at the realm of your home. Or, maybe, it was simply a day to day feeling that something was missing.
Sitting with yourself, returning as an adult to difficult moments, and then seeing through your inner-child’s (there’s that word) eyes can be life-changing. This process will look different for each of us. There is no “one size fits all” approach.
Even if you are a functioning adult, there may be parts of you that haven’t had the opportunity to fully develop. For example, if you grew up in an overly restrictive environment, your independence may need some nurturing. On the other hand, if you grew up in an overly permissive environment, you may feel like you lack a safety net to take chances.
What is Self-Reparenting?
Self-reparenting is work. The work is to provide yourself with the emotional support and guidance you may have missed out on during childhood. The work is to acknowledge and validate these historical, and often buried, feelings and needs. The work is to sit with yourself without distraction as you grieve and heal from your past wounds.
Without a prompt, at least half of my clients say something like this at their first session, “I had a great childhood. We don’t need to go there.” They generally get my side-eye and I tap out a little something in my notes.
But, I want to make clear the process of self-reparenting is not about an attack on your parents. Self-reparenting is simply a way to nurture parts of ourselves that are begging for much needed attention. No matter how hard your parents tried and succeeded in providing for you, there will always be areas that could use a little (or a lot) more nurturing and healing.
Self-reparenting is there to help you identify and express your emotions, set healthy boundaries, and improve your overall well-being.
Self-Reparenting Through the Generations
Many of us grew up in homes where emotions were not always acknowledged or validated. I’m a Gen-X’er and believe within my generation and older, the societal norm was to bury those emotions as deep as possible. We did not chit-chat openly about our feelings or about what we talked about in therapy.
I was shocked at how things had changed when I first started my internship hours at a college around 2010. Not only did students not ask for a back door to sneak out after a session, but they would hang out in the waiting room and chat with other students. They consistently gave referrals to each other to my office. They also had open conversations with their coaches about therapy – coaches were my biggest referral source. Things had definitely changed.
How Self-Reparenting is Vital
I have seen so much good work done in this area that has benefited clients personally and with their relationships. Often the idea of caring for yourself can seem like a foreign concept meant for other people. It is hard and sometimes not a ton of fun, but it can be meaningful for you.
Below are some of the benefits you can experience from taking the deep dive into this work.
You can learn to name and express your emotions with self-reparenting
Much of the work of self-reparenting is in identifying and expressing your emotions. For this Gen-X’er I do not like this idea at all … and yet, I am grateful for it every day.
One of the lessons that must take hold is that emotions are not good or bad, they just are. Taking away the judgment of emotions can allow you to start hearing the messages they are trying to convey. Perhaps feeling angry isn’t bad, but rather it is a signal that there is a threat to one of your boundaries. Listening to the message rather than judging the anger can allow you to set and communicate boundaries that are in line with your values.
It is not easy to stop reacting and to start listening to emotions. Those very reactions are what have kept you alive so far. The initial feeling and desire to react may always be there to some extent. But, your job now is to recognize the emotion before you shut it down. Ask yourself, “What is this emotion telling me?” You might get some answers that tell you a lot about your needs and boundaries that have been hiding for most of your life.
You can learn to create boundaries with self-reparenting
“Boundaries” is a tough word to use. What is your gut reaction if someone were to say they needed to set boundaries with you? Would you get defensive? Would you believe they don’t like you? Would you feel anger or shame?
The word boundary, in a therapeutic sense, is much more healthy and loving than it feels when it’s used in conversation. A boundary is not a 20 foot high brick wall with guards and a moat. But, it is a set line that if crossed may make you feel violated in some way. Letting someone you love know your boundaries, will only enhance the relationship.
Time is often a difficult boundary to discuss in relationships. For example, if you love your work and have periods of time when focus and concentration are necessary, you may not want interruption.
A “Whatcha doin?” text or a TikTok link pinging through your phone when the other person expects an instant response can be infuriating – even if you love them.
Here’s the rub: You do want to talk to them about your day and you do enjoy a cute “Remember the 90’s” TikTok, just not at 2:00 when you are in the zone.
Instead of getting more and more annoyed at the interruption and feeling resentful to your partner, let them know your situation. You can then schedule time together for meaningful connection.
Setting boundaries is an act of self-care, and it is necessary to prioritize your own needs. It is necessary to be firm, but it is also necessary to be respectful and empathetic. I am guessing your partner/family/friend also has boundaries that may help your relationship if they are clearly set. Important relationships in your life are worth having these hard conversations.
You can change how you view yourself with self-reparenting
When you grow up in an environment where your emotions and needs are not validated, it can be easy to internalize a negative self-image. All those messages you receive as a child about what you are good at doing or bad at doing combine to create your self-worth and identity.
Childhood messages may point at you specifically . But often, they point at your gender, race, height, weight, or thousands of other variables that could define your identity.
You may come to believe that your are not good enough before you even try. Self-reparenting is one way we can challenge these negative beliefs. We can adopt a more positive and compassionate view of not only ourselves, but also of others.
You can begin by acknowledging and validating your inner child’s emotions and needs. You may start to see where these beliefs began and to then start healing these past wounds.
You now have years of experience to question the messages you received during childhood. It’s your job now to view your self-worth and identity through the lens of experience. You may now be able to recognize your strengths and accomplishments, learn to be kind and forgiving with yourself, and see your behavior in a new light.
You can become a better parent with self-reparenting
By acknowledging and validating your own emotions and needs, you can become more attuned to the emotional needs of your children. You may find you are better able to communicate, set healthy boundaries, and provide the emotional support and guidance they long for.
Learning to validate your child’s emotions and needs can work magic in building their confidence in and out of the home.
When your child expresses their emotions:
- Listen without instant judgment or criticism.
- Acknowledge their feelings and let them know it’s okay to feel the way they do
This validation can help they feel heard and let them know that they are valued and do not have to work to earn your love and attention.
Parenting is a journey, and it’s okay to make mistakes or encounter setbacks along the way. With practice and self-reflection, you can build a stronger relationship with yourself and your child.
Learn to Self-Reparent
1. Acknowledge and connect with your younger self.
I get a lot of push back when I talk in therapy about connecting with your younger self. I believe the, “Are you serious?” question has come up at least a dozen times. And, yes I am serious.
Connecting with your younger self involves revisiting memories or experiences from your childhood, and viewing them through a new lens of empathy and understanding.
For this work, I sometimes ask my clients to find a picture of themselves from an age when many of their childhood memories begin. A picture that represents a time that was special to them or simply shows them as “the cutest thing ever.” I want them to see how young they were when they were doing the work to understand their world.
It may also help to go to the places or do the activities from your childhood. Nothing like a random drive past your old home or high school to bring up some of those dormant memories. You could also fill the room with the music or television of your childhood as you color, dance, or play with your child’s legos. Recreate the environment and see where your memories take you.
As you reflect on these images and memories, try to approach yourself with a sense of curiosity and empathy. Self-reparenting is not about blaming yourself or others for past experiences, but rather about nurturing and healing parts of yourself that may need attention.
2. Determine the unmet needs of your inner child.
Look at that picture you found and imagine yourself as a child. Think about what you needed at that time. Were their emotions or needs that went unacknowledged or unmet? What messages did you receive from others about your worth and value?
Exploring your unmet needs can be a challenging and emotional process. But, this exploration is an essential step towards healing past wounds and building a stronger, more fulfilling relationship with yourself.
Questions to ask:
- Were you ever made to feel ashamed or guilty for expressing your emotions?
- Did you ever feel like your needs weren’t important?
- Did you ever believe that your thoughts and emotions were somehow wrong?
Be gentle with yourself. The goals of self-reparenting is to nurture and heal parts of yourself. By identifying your unmet needs, you provide yourself with the emotional support and guidance you may have missed during childhood.
Determining your unmet needs is a process, not a destination. As you go through this journey, you may uncover new emotions and needs that surface. When you create a safe environment, your inner-child may really start to share.
3. Allow yourself to feel any emotions that arise.
I don’t know about you, but allowing myself to feel emotions comes about as naturally as learning advanced calculus is to my pet fish. It can be challenging to confront difficult emotions if you grew up in an environment where emotions were not always acknowledged or validated.
However, there is hope. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions is the gateway to understanding the messages they are trying to convey.
If you find yourself struggling with difficult emotions, try to approach yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would offer your child or your friend. This is the time to use curiosity and empathy rather than the knee-jerk judgment and criticism we normally use to meet strong feelings and emotion.
It’s okay if you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable … mostly because there is no way around it – it is the way.
4. Release any shame or guilt you may feel.
Most of us carry around feelings of shame or guilt from past experiences we had little control over. These feelings can hold us back from fully embracing our true selves. These feelings are a natural part of the human experience, and you are not alone in experiencing them.
To release shame and guilt, start by acknowledging these feelings and exploring their origin. This may involve revisiting past experiences or memories, and allowing yourself to feel the emotions that arise.
Self-reparenting is about nurturing and healing neglected parts of yourself. This process may include learning to forgive yourself for past missteps.
Releasing shame and guilt requires self-forgiveness. One way you can move toward releasing shame or guilt is by writing yourself a letter of self-forgiveness. For example, you might say, “I forgive myself for past mistakes, and I choose to focus on the present and the future.”
5. Practice self-care.
Self-care involves taking the time to prioritize your own needs and engage in activities that promote your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
Start by identifying solo activities that bring you joy and relaxation. It could be doing yoga, reading a book, going on a hike, or sitting in the sun. Approach these activities with a sense of openness and curiosity. Allow yourself to experience them without judgment or criticism. Prioritize your own needs during these activities and resist the urge to put yourself last.
Self-care involves treating yourself with the same kindness and empathy you would offer someone you love who is going through a difficult time. Approach yourself with a sense of patience and self-compassion. You can build a more fulfilling relationship with yourself and enjoy a greater sense of life satisfaction.
Who Can Benefit From Self-Reparenting
Self-Reparenting can benefit anyone who feels they missed out on certain aspects of emotional development during childhood. This could be due to a variety of factors such as growing up in a household where emotions were not acknowledged or validated, experiencing trauma or abuse, or simply not having access to the emotional support and guidance you needed at any particular time.
Self-reparenting may help:
- If you who struggle with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues you can benefit from self-reparenting. By learning to provide yourself with the emotional support and guidance you may have missed out on during childhood, you can heal past wounds and develop a stronger, more resilient sense of self.
- If you struggle with setting boundaries or communicating your needs effectively, you may find self-reparenting to be helpful. By learning to identify and expression your emotions, set boundaries, and validate your own needs, you can build healthier relationships with yourself and others.
- If you are interested in exploring your past and building a stronger, more fulfilling relationship with yourself, you can benefit from self-reparenting.
With practice and intention, you can begin to heal past wounds and build a more resilient sense of self that will serve you well.
I encourage anyone who feels they may have missed out on aspects of emotional development during childhood to explore the process of self-reparenting. If you are interested in exploring self-reparenting and how it can benefit you, please consider reaching out. Therapy is a form of self-care and can help you heal past wounds and build a stronger, more resilient sense of self.
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by Judy Guess | May 14, 2023 | narcissism, relationships
The impact of narcissism on relationships can be a complex and painful topic, but understanding its impact is the first step towards healing and recovery.
Whether you have experienced emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic partner or simply want to learn more about this personality trait, I hope this post offers you insights and strategies for building healthy relationships and moving forward.
Let’s dive in and explore the effects of narcissism on relationships.
What is Narcissism?
Narcissism is a term that’s thrown around a lot these days, but what does it really mean? As a psychologist, I can tell you that narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an excessive sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.
People with narcissistic traits often have an inflated sense of their own abilities and accomplishments. They may believe that they are superior to others and entitled to special treatment. They may also have difficulty accepting criticism and may become defensive or angry when challenged.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition that affects about 1% of the population and is more common in men than in women. Narcissistic traits and diagnoses often correlate with upbringing and early childhood relationships.
People with NPD often have an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for constant admiration. They may believe they are special or unique and have fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or ideal love. Unfortunately, their lack of empathy for others and difficulty regulating emotions can cause problems in their relationships and other areas of life.
It’s important to note that not everyone with narcissistic traits has NPD. The diagnosis is only made when these traits are severe and pervasive, interfering with a person’s ability to function in relationships and other areas of life.
Treatment for NPD may include therapy, medication, or a combination of both. However, it can be challenging to treat because most individuals with NPD do not see their behavior as problematic.
Prevalence
Research has shown that narcissism is not uncommon in relationships. A study conducted by the University of Georgia found that about 1 in 100 people meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However, the number is much higher when we talk about showing narcissistic traits.
Even those with mild narcissistic traits can still cause problems in their relationships.
The Narcissistic Partner
Narcissistic partners often exhibit a range of problematic behaviors that can cause emotional and psychological harm to their partners.
Characteristics
It’s important to note that not all narcissistic partners exhibit all of these behaviors, and that some may be more subtle or covert in their approach.
- Lack of Empathy: Narcissists often struggle to understand or care about the emotions and experiences of others, including their partners. They may dismiss or minimize their partner’s feelings or needs, and may even become angry or defensive when confronted with their own harmful behavior.
- Manipulation: Narcissists are often skilled at manipulating others to get what they want. They may use charm and flattery to win over their partner, or may resort to more aggressive tactics like gaslighting or emotional blackmail.
- Grandiosity: Narcissists often have an inflated sense of their own importance and may believe that they are superior to others. They may become upset when their partner receives attention or praise, and may demand constant admiration and attention themselves.
- Boundary Violations: Narcissists may have difficulty respecting their partner’s boundaries and may become angry or demanding when their partner sets limits or says no. They may also engage in behaviors like snooping, stalking, or controlling their partner’s activities.
- Lack of Accountability: Narcissists often struggle to take responsibility for their own actions and may blame others for their problems or mistakes. They may also refuse to apologize or make amends when they have hurt their partner.
Red Flags
- They are overly charming and charismatic at the beginning of the relationship, but may quickly become cold or distant.
- They have a sense of entitlement and may expect their partner to cater to their every need.
- They may become jealous or possessive of their partner, even accusing them of infidelity or cheating without evidence.
- They may engage in gaslighting, where they deny or distort reality to make their partner doubt their own perceptions and memories.
- They may have a history of unstable or short-lived relationships, or may have a pattern of cheating or infidelity.
- They may struggle to take responsibility for their actions and may blame others for their problems or mistakes.
- They may become angry or defensive when their partner tries to set boundaries or express their needs.
The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
The narcissistic cycle of abuse is a pattern of behavior that many narcissistic partners exhibit in their relationships. The cycle consists of three main phases: idealization, devaluation, and discard.
- Idealization: In the idealization phase, the narcissistic partner will shower their partner with attention, affection, and gifts. They may seem perfect in every way and may make their partner feel like they are the center of the universe. However, this phase is often short-lived, and the devaluation phase soon follows.
- Devaluation: In the devaluation phase, the narcissistic partner begins to criticize, belittle, and undermine their partner. They may become emotionally or physically abusive, and may blame their partner for their own problems or shortcomings. They may also start to withdraw affection and attention, leaving their partner feeling confused, hurt, and alone.
- Discard: Finally, in the discard phase, the narcissistic partner may end the relationship abruptly and without warning. They may move on to a new partner quickly, leaving their former partner feeling devastated and confused.
It’s important to note that not all narcissistic partners exhibit this exact cycle of abuse, and that some may have different patterns of behavior.
The Impact of Narcissism
The Emotional Effects
Being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner can have a profound emotional impact on the victim. Narcissistic partners often lack empathy and may minimize or dismiss their partner’s feelings and needs, leaving the victim feeling unheard and unsupported. This can lead to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and depression.
Victims of narcissistic abuse may also experience a range of intense emotions, including anger, fear, and shame. They may blame themselves for the problems in the relationship, even though the narcissistic partner is usually the one at fault. Over time, the victim may become isolated from friends and family, and may feel trapped in the relationship.
It’s important for victims of narcissistic abuse to seek help and support from a therapist or trusted friend or family member. They may also benefit from practicing self-care strategies, such as mindfulness meditation, exercise, and spending time in nature. With time and support, victims of narcissistic abuse can heal and move forward from their experiences.
Narcissism and Codependency
Codependency is a term used to describe a dysfunctional relationship where one person enables or supports the unhealthy behavior of another. This often occurs in relationships with narcissistic partners, as the codependent person may try to please or appease the narcissist in order to avoid conflict or maintain the relationship.
Codependent people may have low self-esteem and may believe that they need to take care of others in order to feel valued or loved. They may also struggle to set boundaries or express their own needs, because they fear rejection or abandonment.
Narcissistic partners may take advantage of these tendencies by manipulating or controlling the codependent person. They may use guilt or shame to make the codependent person feel responsible for their problems, or may use charm or flattery to win their support.
Over time, the codependent person may become enmeshed with the narcissistic partner, losing their sense of self and becoming overly focused on the needs of the other person. This can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, and worthlessness.
It’s important for individuals who struggle with codependency to seek help from a therapist or support group. Therapy can help codependent individuals learn to set boundaries, express their own needs, and build healthy relationships in the future. With time and support, codependent individuals can learn to break free from the cycle of dysfunction and build a life that is fulfilling and satisfying.
Healing and Recovery
Self-Care Strategies
If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, it’s important to prioritize your own well-being and practice self-care strategies to help you cope and heal. Here are some self-care strategies to consider:
- Set Boundaries: Setting and enforcing boundaries is critical to protecting yourself from further harm. This may include limiting your contact with the narcissistic partner, or even ending the relationship altogether. You may also need to set boundaries with other people in your life who may be enabling or supporting the narcissistic partner.
- Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness meditation can help you stay grounded and present, even in the midst of difficult emotions. This can help you develop a sense of inner peace and calm, even in the face of chaos and uncertainty.
- Engage in Physical Activity: Exercise can be a great way to release pent-up emotions and boost your mood. Consider going for a walk, hitting the gym, or taking a yoga class to help you feel more energized and centered.
- Spend Time in Nature: Spending time in nature can be a great way to reduce stress and promote relaxation. Consider going for a hike, visiting the beach, or simply taking a walk in a nearby park.
- Connect with Others: Connecting with friends, family, or a support group can help you feel less alone and more supported. Consider joining a support group for victims of narcissistic abuse, or reaching out to a therapist for individual counseling.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion as you navigate the healing process. Recognize that healing takes time and that it’s okay to take things slow.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a process, and it’s important to prioritize your own well-being as you move forward. With time and support, you can heal from your experiences and build a brighter future for yourself. (Check out this post about healing through Self-Reparenting.)
How to End a Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner
Ending a relationship with a narcissistic partner can be challenging and emotionally complex. Here are some tips to help you navigate the process:
- Get Support: It’s important to have a support system in place as you end the relationship. This may include friends, family, or a therapist who can provide emotional support and guidance.
- Stay Focused on Your Goals: Keep your goals in mind as you navigate the process of ending the relationship. This may include protecting your emotional and psychological well-being, setting boundaries, or moving on to a healthier relationship in the future.
- Be Prepared for Resistance: Narcissistic partners often struggle to accept rejection and may become angry or defensive when you try to end the relationship. It’s important to be prepared for this resistance and to stay firm in your decision.
- Communicate Clearly: When ending the relationship, it’s important to communicate your feelings and intentions clearly and assertively. Avoid getting drawn into arguments or debates, and stay focused on expressing your own needs and desires.
- Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries is critical to protecting yourself from further harm. This may include limiting your contact with the narcissistic partner, or even ending the relationship altogether. You may also need to set boundaries with other people in your life who may be enabling or supporting the narcissistic partner.
- Practice Self-Care: Ending a relationship with a narcissistic partner can be emotionally and psychologically taxing. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and practice self-care strategies, such as mindfulness meditation, exercise, and spending time in nature.
Ending a relationship with a narcissistic partner is a process, and it’s important to have patience and compassion for yourself as you navigate this difficult time. With time and support, you can heal from your experiences and move forward to a brighter future.
Moving Forward
Boundaries
Boundaries are an essential part of healthy relationships. They are the lines we draw around ourselves to protect our physical, emotional, and psychological well-being. Boundaries help us to communicate our needs and limits to others and to maintain our sense of self.
In relationships with narcissistic partners, boundaries are often violated and disregarded. Narcissistic partners may try to control or manipulate their partner, leaving them feeling helpless and powerless. This can lead to a loss of self-esteem and a sense of confusion about one’s own needs and desires.
Setting and enforcing boundaries is critical to protecting yourself from further harm. This may include limiting contact with the narcissistic partner, or even ending the relationship altogether. It may also involve setting boundaries with other people who may be enabling or supporting the narcissistic partner.
Communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively. This may involve saying “no” to unreasonable demands or refusing to tolerate abusive behavior. It may also involve setting limits on the amount of time and energy spent on the relationship.
Boundaries are a way of respecting yourself and your needs. They are a way of saying “I am worthy of love and respect, and I will not tolerate anything less.” By setting and enforcing boundaries, you can protect yourself from further harm and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.
Building Healthy Relationships
Healing from a narcissistic relationship can be a long and difficult process, but it is possible to build healthy relationships in the future. Here are some tips:
- Take Time to Heal: Take time to heal from your experiences before entering into a new relationship. This may involve working with a therapist or support group to process your emotions and develop coping strategies.
- Identify Your Needs and Boundaries: Before entering into a new relationship, identify your own needs and boundaries. This may involve setting limits on what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship and being clear about your own needs and desires.
- Communicate Clearly and Assertively: In healthy relationships, communication is key. Communicate your feelings and needs clearly and assertively, while also being open to your partner’s perspective.
- Look for Healthy Patterns: Look for partners who exhibit healthy relationship patterns, such as respecting your boundaries, communicating openly and honestly, and supporting your emotional well-being.
- Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your own well-being and practice self-care strategies, such as mindfulness meditation, exercise, and spending time in nature. By taking care of yourself, you will be better equipped to build healthy relationships in the future.
Building healthy relationships after a bout of a narcissistic relationship is a process, and it’s important to have patience and compassion for yourself as you navigate this journey. With time and support, you can heal from your experiences and build a brighter future.
In Conclusion …
Narcissism in relationships can be a difficult and complex issue to navigate. It’s important to recognize the warning signs of narcissistic behavior in a partner and to seek help if you are experiencing emotional or psychological abuse. It’s also important to prioritize your own well-being and practice self-care strategies to help you cope and heal.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a process. Have patience and compassion for yourself as you navigate this journey. With time and support, you can heal from your experiences and build a brighter future for yourself.
Building healthy relationships after narcissistic abuse is possible, but it requires work and self-reflection. Identify your own needs and boundaries, communicate clearly and assertively, and look for partners who exhibit healthy relationship patterns. By taking care of yourself and practicing self-care strategies, you can build a life that is fulfilling and satisfying.
You are worthy of love and respect, and you deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion. By recognizing the warning signs of narcissistic behavior and prioritizing your own well-being, you can build a better future for yourself and your loved ones.
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