Estrangement is a Growing Problem
Family Estrangement is rampant. It’s estimated that around 30% of Americans report being estranged from family members, with a staggering 85% going no-contact for at least 12 months (27% of estrangements last for more than 4.5 years).
Every year beginning around Thanksgiving, many of the therapy hours in my office hit on the topic of historical and current struggles with family members who are no longer talking to each other. The absence of family connections and traditions related to the “happiest time of the year” can intensify feelings of both loneliness and separation.
The Effects
The impact of family estrangement extends beyond the loss of connection with specific family members. It can disrupt our sense of identity and belonging, leaving us questioning our place in the world.
Estrangement can evoke feelings of grief, sadness, and loneliness, as the relationships and bonds we once cherished become fractured. The absence of family support can leave you feeling vulnerable and without a safety net.
Family estrangement can have a ripple effect on other areas of our lives. It can influence our relationships, impacting our capacity to form and maintain healthy connections with friends, romantic partners, and even our own children. The absence of familial support and understanding can create a void that can be difficult to fill.
There Are No Winners
Estrangement is rarely a decision taken lightly. It’s often the result of years of pain and unresolvable issues. The stigma and guilt associated with family estrangement can further compound these emotions, leaving everyone feeling isolated and misunderstood.
Hurt, anger, sadness, and confusion can run deep.
Those Who Leave
For the individuals who have made the decision to estrange themselves from their family, the emotions can be overwhelming. They may feel a sense of betrayal, resentment, and disappointment in their family members.
They may have endured years of mistreatment, neglect, or abuse, and the decision to cut ties is often a last resort to protect their own well-being. The pain they carry from their past experiences can color their perception of their family, making it difficult to trust or reconcile.
Those Who Are Left
On the other side, family members who are left estranged may experience a range of emotions as well. They may feel hurt, confused, and rejected by the decision of their loved one to distance themselves.
They may struggle to understand why their efforts to connect or mend the relationship have been met with resistance. They may question their own actions and wonder what they did wrong. In some cases, they may feel a profound sense of loss and grief for the relationship that has been severed.
5 Reasons Behind Estrangement (There are undoubtedly more.)
1. Communication Breakdowns
Communication breakdowns, coupled with underlying family dynamics and heightened emotions, can brew an environment that leads to family estrangement.
When family members struggle to effectively communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs, misunderstandings and misinterpretations can occur, fueling conflicts and resentment.
As emotions run high, rationality and empathy may be overshadowed by anger, hurt, and frustration, making it challenging for individuals to find common ground and resolve issues.
2. Family Dynamics
Difficult family dynamics can create a breeding ground for estrangement within the family. These dynamics can lead to a sense of disconnect, hurt, and frustration among family members.
Common dysfunctional dynamics may include:
- emotional neglect
- enmeshment
- codependency
- lack of boundaries
- parentification
- unresolved trauma
- substance abuse.
The constant presence of dysfunctional dynamics can challenge any family.
3. Life Changes
Life changing events such as divorce, relocation, financial struggles, or the loss of a loved one can create tension and strain within the family unit. These changes often challenge established roles and routines, leading to feelings of uncertainty and instability.
Other, more positive life changes, such as relocation, career changes, or personal growth may lead to a reassessment of values, beliefs, and priorities. These seemingly positive changes, although a part of healthy growth, can also lead to feelings of uncertainty and instability
Life changes, both positive and negative, can bring about a shift in dynamics within the family, disrupting established roles and creating tension. As we evolve and navigate through life, out relationships with family members may also evolve, sometimes resulting in negative outcomes such as estrangement.
4. External Cultural Influences
Societal expectations, cultural norms, and other external pressures can shape family dynamics and contribute to the breakdown of relationships.
There is a reason we all try to avoid the trifecta of relationship ending topics: Money, politics, and religion. These topics are sensitive, subjective, and carry high levels of emotional weight.
The last couple elections (and another steaming up) as well as the overall political and social climate has a been a breading ground for family estrangement. You can definitely talk about those topics in therapy, but avoid them at all costs at the family dinner – especially if wine is involved.
5. Childhood Mistreatment
When children experience emotional, physical, or psychological abuse, it can deeply impact their sense of self-worth and their ability to form healthy relationships.
The pain and trauma they endure during their formative years can create lasting wounds that affect their trust and willingness to maintain connections with their family.
Unfortunately, for many individuals who have experienced mistreatment, estranging themselves from their family becomes a necessary step towards self-preservation and healing.
< see Self-Reparenting as well as The Impact of Narcissism on Relationships>
5 Possible Emotional Struggles From Estrangement
1. Grief
When relationships with family members become fractured, it can lead to a profound sense of grief and loss, not only for the connection that once existed but also for the memories, traditions, and dreams associated with the idea of family.
The absence of familial support and understanding can create a void that is difficult to fill, evoking feelings of emptiness, sadness, and longing.
2. Loneliness
Family estrangement and loneliness often go hand in hand, leaving individuals feeling isolated and vulnerable. The absence of shared experiences, traditions, and a sense of belonging intensifies the feelings of emptiness and disconnection.
Family is often seen as a safety net, a source of comfort and understanding. When that safety net is no longer available due to estrangement, the profound sense of loneliness can be overwhelming.
3. Social Stigma
Societal judgment and stigma surrounding family estrangement is palpable.
Society places a strong emphasis on the importance of family and maintaining close relationships with relatives – no matter how unhealthy or outright harmful. As a result, individuals who are estranged from their family members may face judgment and misunderstanding from strangers, acquaintances, and even the most well-meaning friends.
This societal stigma can make it difficult for individuals to openly discuss their experiences or seek support, leaving them feeling isolated and judged.
4. Guilt
When family members make the difficult decision to distance themselves from their loved ones, feelings of guilt can arise on both sides.
For those who have chosen to estrange themselves, guilt may stem from the societal expectation that family bonds should be preserved at all costs. They may question whether they made the right choice or if they could have done more to salvage the relationship.
On the other hand, family members left estranged may experience guilt for their perceived role in the breakdown of the relationship. They may grapple with self-doubt, wondering if they could have been more understanding or supportive.
5. Shame
When individuals experience family conflicts or breakdowns in relationships, they may internalize a sense of shame, believing that they are entirely at fault or inherently flawed.
There is a difference between feeling guilt over a bad behavior and feeling shame because you, yourself are at the core “bad”. This shame can prevent you from any communication that may reveal your sense of core “badness”.
Shame can have a pervasive impact on daily life, eroding self-esteem, hindering emotional well-being, and creating a constant sense of unworthiness and self-blame.
A 5-Step Healing Process For Family Estrangement
Step 1: Engage in Self Reflection
Take the time to introspect and understand your own emotions, triggers, and patterns of behavior. This will be time well spent to gain clarity and insight into your experiences.
Through self-reflection, you can explore the wounds from your past, identify patterns that contribute to conflict, and take responsibility for your own actions.
Self-reflection enables us to separate our own experiences and perspectives from those of our family members, which may lead to empathy and understanding.
Step 2: Seek Understanding and Practice Forgiveness
By seeking to understand the perspectives and experiences of both sides, you can gain insight into the complex dynamics that contributed to the estrangement. This understanding allows for empathy and compassion to grow, fostering a sense of connection and healing.
Forgiveness plays a crucial role in releasing the emotional burden and resentment that may have built up over time. It allows individuals to let go of the past, freeing themselves from the weight of anger and hurt.
By embracing understanding and forgiveness, individuals can open the door to the possibility of reconciliation, rebuilding relationships with a renewed sense of empathy, and creating a path towards healing and growth.
Step 3: Set Boundaries
When relationships have become strained or toxic, establishing clear boundaries can help protect your emotional well-being and create a sense of safety.
Boundaries enable you to define what behavior is acceptable and what is not, allowing you to prioritize you own needs and establish a sense of self-respect. By setting boundaries, you can create space for healing and growth, as you assert their right to be treated with respect.
Ultimately, setting boundaries can pave the way for healthier and more authentic connections, both within and outside the family unit.
Step 4: Build a Chosen Family / Support Network
One avenue of healing is the concept of chosen family and building new support networks. Chosen family refers to the individuals who become our family through deep bonds and mutual support, even if they’re not related by blood.
These connections can provide a sense of belonging, understanding, and acceptance. By surrounding ourselves with a chosen family and support networks, we create a space where we can freely express ourselves, share our experiences, and receive the empathy and validation we crave.
These relationships can be instrumental in the healing process, offering the love, support, and understanding we need to rebuild our lives after family estrangement.
Step 5: Embrace Self-Care and Practice Self-Compassion
Taking care of yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically is crucial during this challenging journey. Engaging in self-care practices, such as prioritizing rest, engaging in activities that bring joy, and nurturing your physical health, can help you rebuild your sense of self and regain a sense of control.
Practicing self-compassion allows you to acknowledge and validate your own emotions, without judgment or self-blame. If you have chosen to distance yourself from family members, remember the decision was made for self-preservation and healing.
By incorporating self-care and self-compassion into the healing process, you can gradually rebuild your sense of self-worth, find inner peace, and create a life filled with love, understanding, and healthy connections.
Let’s Stay Connected!
I invite you to follow me on social media for more insights and resources. Feel free to share this newsletter with anyone who may benefit from understanding family estrangement and finding ways to heal.
Remember, you are not alone in your journey. Together, we can navigate the challenges of family estrangement and find strength and healing. Please contact me if you would like to schedule an appointment.
Dr. Judy Guess